It is one of the most important steps in her transition process and we are extremely fortunate to have been able to save enough to allow her to have the procedures so quickly. For her it will be a jumping off point into her life as a woman full time and offer her the comfort and safety of "passing" as the female she is. We are both thrilled about it.
But the past few days my anxiety levels have shot through the roof in anticipation of what is to come.
Here is a list of the anxieties I am dealing with at the moment:
1.) OMFG my wife is going to have a different face!! Granted, the surgery is correcting the masculine things that wouldn't have been there to begin with if she would have born in the correct body. The surgery is supposed to be a mix of very subtle changes that make a HUGE difference and I understand that. But, I know every curve of her face and have for over eight years... I know what parts of her nose brush against mine when we kiss etc. and that is all going to change. Obviously, I fully expect that after she has recovered that she is going to be gorgeous and I am probably going to even more attracted to her but let me put it this way... my spouse... is going... to have a different face. Enough said.
2.) Sitting alone in the hospital for hours while I know she is on a table in the other room having face bones ground down and her face peeled back. Anyone who has ever waited for someone they love while having an operation can clearly see what I mean here. This is terrifying for me to think about. People keep telling me to have someone come up there and sit with me while my wife is in surgery... YEAH THAT SOUNDS AWESOME! But wait, I can't really think of anyone that I want to be there with me except my best friend who has once again fallen off the face of the earth and not responded to my email asking her to do so. FUCK!
3.) Seeing her after surgery and the days following surgery with a completely mangled face that is bruised, swollen, stapled, sutured and drains hanging out of it. I don't know about anyone else but seeing a loved one in that sort of shape is horrible for me. I mean... I have a panic attack and hyperventilate when my kids hurt themselves mildly.
4.) What if after she recovers I don't like her new nose. Okay, that one sounds stupid but let me put it into perspective a bit. When I was about 6-7 my mother had a very dramatic nose job that NOBODY bothered to sit and tell me about or prepare me for. Imagine being a tiny child who comes home one day to see her mother laying on the couch with a mangled face covered in bandages and not knowing what is going on? After my mother recovered and I saw the new nose I remember HATING it for a very long time... like over a year. I remember thinking it was too fake looking... but in reality it is a really good nose job and now as an adult I can't imagine her any other way. This really relates to what I am going through now because I may very well hate her new nose for a bit just because it is not what I am used to looking at.
5.) How is this going to impact our children. Clearly, this is going to be a huge step in the right direction as far as the kids really seeing her as the woman she is but big changes could prove to be traumatic to the children as well. How are my kids going to react when they see her new face and how is it going to change their internal feelings.
6.) OMG life "full time"! Finally the moment we have been waiting for is about to be here. After the surgery my wife will have about a month at home to recover before returning to work and upon her return she will be officially herself (name, presentation etc.) forever. This is wonderful and I want nothing more but like any huge life change I am anxious about it.
7.) How will the results change her self esteem, personality and our relationship? Everything should be about the same right? Well aside from her self esteem which should improve dramatically :)
8.) Will I end up having a "grieving period" after all? They say that the small percentage of spouses who do stay and support their partner through transition go through a "grieving period" in which they have sadness and mixed feelings about losing something they saw in their spouses before. I really haven't had much of that, maybe a few little emotional twitches here and there but they left as soon as they came. I wonder if after the surgery I will go through an emotional release.
These are the bones rattling around in my skull right now.
